MEET THE FIRST SELF-DRIVING CAR. HIS NAME IS MILO. HE’S A HORSE.

So when wandering through most major cities today, I always see a group of people that are fantasizing about owning a self driving car! In the not so distant past, we all had self-driving cars – they even had wit, personality, and were super ecologically friendly! And they were faster than Google’s self-driving car. They were called horses!

So let’s compare:

The Horse: His name is Milo.

Speed: 35mph – 40 mph+

Horsepower: 1. The name Horsepower was named after him! How flattering!

Cost: $60,000

Eco-friendliness: Fuel: Oats, Hay, Barley, Corn, Carrots, and Apples.

Emissions: Fertilizer for your yard!

Sex-Appeal: Milo is super sexy. And he has charm, wit, personality, and if you’re rude to him, he’ll kick you in the groin!

The Google Car:

Speed: 25 mph. You can ride a bike faster than it.

Horsepower: Not very much.

Cost: $125,000

Eco-friendliness: Lithium-ion Battery, Electric Drive, Zero Emissions

Sex-Appeal: It looks like a Koala Bear. You kinda want to kick its soft front end. I wouldn’t want to be seen in it.

The Mercedes Self-Driving Car:

Speed: 130mph (limited)

Horsepower: 455HP

Cost: $300,000

Eco-friendliness: 4.6l Twin Turbo V8.

Sex Appeal: The Mercedes, especially in black, is the perfect villain car. Or the perfect car to pick up the date you found on a site like https://www.escortdirectory.com/escorts-frankfurt-197. Since it drives itself, you’ll be free to lean out the windows or sunroofs with your guns. Or perhaps focus a little more time on your companion in the passenger seat. It’s badass. It’s hot. And it’s your own personal Jason Statham. When self-driving cars finally become a common-place vehicle found on the road, it’s more than likely that there will be many sexually explicit videos filmed while the car is driving on its own, those scenes will then probably make it to adult websites like Tube V sex and similar. You can’t get much more sex appeal than that…

Our Winner:

So it seems like our winner here – in old tech vs. new tech – is decidedly old. Milo the horse is cheaper, more ecologically friendly, faster, and cheaper than the Google Self-Driving car. And for those wealthier – the Mercedes is sexier and faster than both Milo and the Google car.

Milo does have one final advantage though over Google and Mercedes. Because our laws were written so long ago, in many parts of the world, “A horse is considered to be a vehicle and therefore permitted to be ridden on the road, horse-riders are subject to the same penalties for road traffic offenses as other drivers.” Milo can go anywhere, Google and Mercedes aren’t currently allowed on public roads.

So for all of you self-driving car enthusiasts – remember – you don’t have to wait 10-20 more years for an ecologically friendly, affordable, self-driving car. You can get one now, and he or she will work for carrots, have gobs of sex appeal, and tons of wit and personality.

Milo wins our contest for the best self-driving car of 2014.